7 Years of Grappling with Anxiety and Depression — Being ok with Not being Ok.

A few years ago, I blogged about my ongoing relationship with anxiety and depression. It started when I first moved to Australia in 2013. Culture shock, living away from home for the first time, and crippling insecurities combined to form a reality where for a long time, social interaction and just doing normal people things felt like torture. The kind of torture where you both yearn after and shy away from.

There’s been ups and downs since then. Therapy sessions, teary Skype calls to parents, withdrawals, panic attacks, stress rashes, pre-hypertensive episodes… The works.

However, I’d like to report that yes, 7 years on, I’m doing better now. The bad spells and spirals are shorter, the intrusive thoughts, nipped better in the bud, and the TV static that plagues the mind incessantly with anxiety has been duly turned down to a barely discernable murmur.

Life, by and large, is pretty cash money. Could be better, definitely could be worse, but the joy is in the journey, as I try to make up for the time I lost spent in the wilderness.

That isn’t to say, ‘Wow, thanks, I’m cured.’

Far from it.

For me, you don’t really ‘cure’ depression and anxiety. You manage it. You recognise it. You accept it. And you let it pass.

You let yourself feel all you can feel. The overwhelming fear that comes with anxiety and the emptiness and sticky miasma of depression, and realise that much like all things; this too is temporary.

I think I’m in a good place now to share a few learnings that have helped me along the way, with the hope that this might make a difference in someone’s life. Mental health is deeply personal, so bear in mind what worked for me, may not necessarily work for you.

HOW TO BE OK WITH NOT BEING OK.

I’ll start with the cliche, but it’s a good one. Repeat after me, it’s ok to not be ok. It is the first step to healing. Recognise that you are not going through this alone, and you need not suffer in silence. Then, seek help.

However, no one ever seems to talk about how to be ok with being imperfect. Especially for neurotic, overachieving kids with a penchant for self-destruction. Why is that?

The turning point for me was practising introspection and self-acceptance. Warts and all. It is a painful process, holding up the mirror, digging deep and facing your demons head on, and then accepting yourself, in spite of all of it. It will take courage on your part, and humility.

But, it is required.

For me, I dug into my feelings of meaninglessness and malaise and took a long hard look at Darren, the person. What was I insecure about? (Weight was one thing growing up, then, the accent etc.) What was I anxious about? (Failure, not being accepted, wanting to be liked) How long have I been feeling this way? Have I even been aware of how warped my thoughts were? Why oh why, did I let it get to this point?

Then, I sat in it. Breathed into it. I took time to just be with my feelings and thoughts. Then, came acceptance, without judgement. It is what it is, and that’s ok. Cést la vie and all that. My emotions are just that. Mere emotions. I have agency, and I can choose to accept these emotions for what they are.

I can climb above these emotions and see them for what they are, transitory. Manifestations of chemical imbalances in my brain, past trauma, past experiences, but separable from my core being.

Because these are separable, they do not define me. Anxiety and depression, these do not represent me. Now with it separate, I can ask again, what am I feeling right now, and why do I feel this way? Perhaps there is a tangible reason, and now the road is available for me to take action.

Sometimes there is no answer to the why question. Sometimes, it’s just because. And honestly, I’m just gonna have to accept that. And that is when you find yourself ok with being not ok.

With that comes freedom. Freedom to seek help, and be better. To recognise, that this too, shall pass. That this is transient, and things will get better, eventually with time.

Till then, breathe in, breathe out, and dude, just be, man.