MYMI Reflections I : On Staying The Course & Leadership

Hello.

It’s been 18 long months.

The last time I sat down for some good ol’ introspection, I was fresh from the afterglow of MedHACK. We had just put on what was then, Australia’s largest MedTech hackathon and I recall both being terrified of the possibilities, and resolute in my conviction to build Australia’s largest youth-led healthcare innovation ecosystem by 2021.

We’ve done a lot since then. We’ve managed to do things beyond my wildest expectations. At the same time, we’ve also fallen short at parts. *I’ve* sometimes fallen short of my own standards. To all that, I’d say it’s an “Oh, well” from me. Swings and roundabouts. We go again.

Throughout that time however, there were points within the journey where I felt myself slowly getting wrapped up in my own mythos. It was seductive, and it felt so good to buy into the external validation and accolades that came with the low expectations at the time.

However, here’s the problem that comes with that:

• Accolades and validation only come with outstripped expectations. The first time you do so, they come hard and fast. But what happens next? The goalposts change, the expectations heighten, and before you know it, you find yourself scrambling for the next *hit*.
• So as I beheld myself to external expectations and accolades, I started losing sight of our core mission. My why. My edge as a leader. My authenticity started to slip, and the people who put their faith and trust in me started to slip in turn.
• The worst part of this is often enough, we only realize that this transformation is happening far too late.

There are 3 things I’d like to unpack out of that:

The first being noticing that my confidence was starting to take on shades of arrogance, and the goal posts were starting to shift. I was, and still am lucky to have an incredible team and support network that will tell me quite bluntly that I’m enjoying my farts a bit too much (MY BRAND™).

They, and my co-founder are very good at holding me to account to the core values and mission that we set and agreed on when we first started.

But some of the signs were more subtle. Within student and peer groups where leadership can’t be enforced with carrots and sticks, and more with influence and inspiration, people vote with their feet. Attendance at meetings may start to drop, people stop being vocal with their opinions, or overall there is a sense of things are starting to be phoned in.

At the time, I was being seduced with grand visions of going nationwide, like right now. Going 10x. Paradigm shift. Standard startup talk. *Insert buzzword here*.

But bigger != better, not if you seek to create that something that wants to move the needle in systemic ways. Sometimes, a bit of subtlety is called for.

And so, now:

I say, Bullshit. Tune out the noise. Focus on what’s important. No vanity metrics. It’s not about you, or me. No ego here. We march to the tune of systemic and cultural change.

If a potential goal is not in service to why we started this in the first place, and it does not lead to the tangible, deep-rooted impact and change we want to see in the world, then to the bin it goes.

The second being accepting that the drift was starting to happen. THAT required, and still requires a lot of humility. Intellectually and logically, I knew that arrogance is a bad quality. However, it was hard for me to accept that my good intentions had started to shift over time.

It took a lot of being brutally honest with myself to accept that:

• Yes I was starting to see my way as the only right way, and
• Yes I was starting to disregard the inputs and feedback of my team; even though paradoxically, I was still constantly asking for feedback on the outset; and
• Yes the goals I was thinking of setting for the organization was starting to be based around the idea of serving my own ego or some schmancy line on a resume that would look good, or some random stakeholders idea for status.

However, acceptance is the first step to figuring out how we rejig the way we do things, in service of the mission that we care about.

Acceptance meant understanding and internalizing that:

• I didn’t NEED to have all the answers.
• The root of my slide from confidence to arrogance was based on insecurity.
• I had and continue to have, nothing to prove.
• Relinquishing control was required to do things that I could not do alone.
• That paradoxically, the more power you give away, the more power flows back to you. Stop, however, and the cycle is broken.

This was the hardest part of the process for me, and the worst thing is that this is not a won and done deal. It’s a constant cycle of recognition, self-acceptance and rejigging of the mindset. But recognizing and accepting that you’re a flawed person does wonders for the neurotic and Type-A mind.

Try it some time. There’s a certain sweet freedom to it.

The last thing after acceptance was re-evaluating my own perception of what leadership is.

The notion of leadership as service sounds a bit cliche at this point, but I really do believe in it. But in practice what does it mean?

For me it was almost self-protective. Without external validation, all your validation and feeding of the ego and fulfillment must come internally. (There’s a also a bit of a misnomer on what the ego means, but that’s a diatribe for another day)

So here’s my hot and steaming take on leadership, and how I now see it:

Good leadership does not come with participation medals. If you do the job, you are rewarded with increased expectations. Do not fall prey or hang your self worth on these expectations. Be content with the fact that with leadership, the buck will stop with you, but the successes are owned by your team.

If you want to be a leader for the recognition and a pat on the back, I think you’ve missed the point. Realize that the best work you’ve ever done in life, will come when you’re the one handing out acclaim. There is nothing more fulfilling than seeing your team grow to new heights, and that your role is in serving both the team, your people and the greater mission of your organization.

Take solace from the good you put out into the world and commit to it. The rest shall follow, along with the most important thing that I’m personally looking for at the moment : inner peace.

As for the technical cogs and gears of leadership, I feel that’s a skillset that can be taught, but here’s a few core values that I think have served me well, and I think may serve me well into the future:

• Authenticity : Because who would follow someone who cannot comfortably inhabit their skin.
• Humility : For the times when we are in danger of losing sight of what is important.
• Courage : For the times where we need to act, and accept that the universe will do as it wills in response.

Writing this was important for me. Notably to crystallize what’s been swirling in my mind for the best part of 2 years now. There still a lot up in there to unpack. Dealing with the tension between being a friend and being a leader, designing organizations to make yourself redundant, wrestling with founder’s syndrome, balancing between hard and soft power.

But for now, let’s leave it here.

Treat this as you will, as a time capsule. A snapshot. Keepsakes for different times.

Maybe in a year or decade I can look at this and chuckle at the naivete captured here. Till then, this is my truth.

It is what it is.

Neato.